Fashion Police Report: The Most Outrageously Sussy Outfits We’ve Seen
Welcome to the precinct. Put down the sheer mesh top and step away from the Stussy designer trash bag. You are being cited for First-Degree Crimes Against Aesthetics.
In the fast-paced world of high fashion, the line between “visionary” and “downright suspicious” has become thinner than a 90s spaghetti strap. Today, we’re filing a formal report on the “sussy” outfits that have dominated our feeds—those looks that make you squint, tilt your head, and wonder if the wearer is a trendsetter or a glitch in the simulation.
From the red carpets of Hollywood to the gritty streets of SoHo, here is our official rundown of the most outrageously sussy fashion moments in recent history.
1. The “Big Red Boot” Incident
Suspect: MSCHF’s Astro Boy-inspired footwear.
The Crime: Creating a footwear silhouette that looks like it was rendered in 8-bit resolution.
When MSCHF released their Big Red Boots, the internet collectively lost its mind. These weren’t just shoes; they were giant, rubbery clown-adjacent vessels that defied the laws of human anatomy.
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Why it’s Sus: They lack any texture, laces, or logical structure. Seeing someone walk down a normal sidewalk in these feels like watching a cartoon character clip through the real world.
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The Verdict: While they became a viral sensation, the sheer difficulty of removing them—often requiring two people and a tub of WD-40—makes them highly suspicious.
2. The Schiaparelli “Taxidermy” Moment
Suspect: Kylie Jenner and the 2023 Couture Runway.
The Crime: High-fashion hunting trophies.
Schiaparelli is known for surrealism, but when they sent literal lion, leopard, and wolf heads (crafted from foam and silk) down the runway, the world did a double-take.1
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Why it’s Sus: Even though no animals were harmed, the visual of a hyper-realistic lion head protruding from a shoulder is inherently “sussy.” It triggers a fight-or-flight response in the middle of a cocktail party.
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The Verdict: It’s art, sure, but it’s also the kind of outfit that makes people check if their homeowners’ insurance covers “unforeseen apex predator encounters.”
3. Balenciaga’s “Luxury Trash” Phase
Suspect: The $1,790 Trash Pouch.
The Crime: Testing the absolute limits of “The Emperor’s New Clothes.”
Balenciaga has long been the king of “sus” fashion, but the Trash Pouch took the cake. It is, quite literally, a leather bag designed to look exactly like a drawstring garbage bag you’d find under your kitchen sink.
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Why it’s Sus: It’s a social experiment disguised as an accessory. When you carry this, onlookers aren’t sure if you’re heading to a gala or if you forgot to take the bins out on Tuesday.
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The Verdict: Guilty of psychological warfare. If your outfit requires a receipt to prove it’s not literal refuse, you’re in the “Sussy Zone.”
The “Sussy” Style Spectrum: A Quick Reference
| Trend | Suspicion Level | Primary Offense |
| Invisible Jeans | High | Why pay for denim that isn’t there? |
| Wet-Look Dresses | Medium | Looking permanently drenched is a bold choice. |
| Micro-Minibags | Extreme | Cannot even fit a single AirPod. |
| Thong Jeans | Dangerous | Structural integrity is non-existent. |
4. The “Invisible” Footwear Fiasco
Suspect: Clear plastic PVC boots (The Yeezy Era).
The Crime: Creating a portable sauna for your toes.
There was a dark time in the mid-to-late 2010s when clear plastic boots were the height of “cool.”
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Why it’s Sus: Within fifteen minutes of walking, the clear plastic begins to fog up with condensation. Nothing screams “suspicious” like having visible foot-steam trapped in your shoes. It’s a biological hazard masquerading as a “clean girl” aesthetic.
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The Verdict: These boots are a crime against dermatology. If we can see your toes sweating, the outfit is a “sus” fail.
5. The “Reverse” Clothing Trend
Suspect: Upside-down bikinis and backwards blazers.
The Crime: Forgetting how gravity and human joints work.
Lately, influencers have been wearing bikinis upside down or blazers with the buttons on the spine.
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Why it’s Sus: It creates a silhouette that suggests the wearer was dressed by a poltergeist. It’s confusing to the eye and usually results in a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen.
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The Verdict: We applaud the creativity, but if your clothes look like they were put on during a 6.0 magnitude earthquake, you’re getting a citation.
“Fashion is what you’re offered four times a year by designers. Style is what you choose.” — Lauren Hutton
Correction: “Sussy” fashion is what happens when you choose the secret fifth option that involves wearing a literal car tire as a belt.
6. The Metaverse Realism
Suspect: Loewe’s “Pixelated” Collection.
The Crime: Bringing low-resolution graphics into the 3D world.
Jonathan Anderson at Loewe released a collection of hoodies and t-shirts that look like they were pulled straight out of Minecraft. The edges are jagged, the shadows are blocky, and the colors don’t blend.
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Why it’s Sus: Seeing this in person causes a literal headache. Your brain tries to “auto-focus” on the person, but the clothes remain pixelated. It is the ultimate “sussy” move to walk around looking like an unrendered NPC (Non-Player Character).
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The Verdict: Brilliant, but highly unsettling. It’s the fashion equivalent of an optical illusion that won’t stop moving.
7. The “Pillow” Coat Extreme
Suspect: Oversized puffer jackets that have gone too far.
The Crime: Consuming the wearer entirely.
We love a cozy puffer, but some designers have pushed the volume to the point where the wearer looks like a giant, sentient marshmallow.
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Why it’s Sus: When a jacket is so large that the person inside no longer has arms, legs, or a neck, it becomes “sus.” Are they even in there? Is it just three kids standing on each other’s shoulders under a king-sized duvet?
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The Verdict: Total social distancing fashion. It’s not a coat; it’s a mobile fortress.
How to Avoid Being a “Sussy” Fashion Victim
If you’re worried your next OOTD (Outfit of the Day) might land you in our report, ask yourself these three questions:
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Does it function? If your shoes prevent walking or your bag prevents carrying, you’re in the danger zone.
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Does it look like a prank? If the brand is known for “trolling” (we’re looking at you, Balenciaga), it probably is.
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Is it “Wet” or “Dirty” by design? If you have to explain to your grandmother that your clothes aren’t actually covered in mud, it’s a sussy fit.
The Closing Statement
Fashion is supposed to be fun, daring, and occasionally a little weird. But when “weird” turns into “suspiciously impractical” or “uncomfortably surreal,” the Fashion Police have to step in. While we admire the bravery of those who wear pixelated hoodies and giant red boots, we’ll be sticking to outfits that don’t look like they were generated by a malfunctioning AI.
Case closed.
